Language learning in children is an exercise in reciting patterns. Initiating the sequence of knowledge begins with counting from one to ten, the days of the week, the months of the year, and grows with conceptual associations in and out of the classroom. Each step is a launch forward in learning a larger scope of the world.
We humans learn emotions in much the same way but without the classic structure of instruction. Our childhood emotional education is a process of discovery, blindly steeped in the world at home before our interactions with others. Many sad tears of mine were a result of new insults or new defenses that would not go unpunished. Despite my efforts to connect or protect, I was taking steps toward learned behavior.
When we enter adulthood, we have unconsciously adapted to the emotional instruction as a norm, but fortitude comes when we question these beliefs. Not everything we learned was for our benefit. As adults, it is imperative that we become adept at noticing our emotional patterns because it is in repetition where we find our contributions to the situations we are immersed in. Emotional health, often closely-related to physical wellness, relies on the need for positive reciprocity in our relationships. If you’re uncertain about a difficult relationship, keep in mind that every abuse is a pattern. Does that feeling arise again and again? Take notes on how, why, when. Soon, you will see the repetition.
Emotions leave scars, left by insensitive or wounded hearts who would not see their own power. Life is not perfect. When we take the role of observer in our emotional patterns, we more acutely see each glitch and the behavior on the other end. Abuse is often hard to detect when it has been normalized in our lives, unless we prioritize our own emotional safety and implement a system of documentation. Guilt can prevent us from establishing boundaries in toxic relationships, but it is empowering if you think of it as confronting behavior. Changes in pattern will diminish your fear, anger, and shame, and grant space in your life for beauty.
We can create a more harmonious world for ourselves. Healing has allowed me to choose the patterns that sustain me, to fill my life with the beautiful repetition of sounds I love to hear: a friend’s inimitable laughter, my husband pouring me a glass of wine and talking about our day, my daughters’ voices, the keyboard as I process my own thoughts to understand who I am on this journey. In filling my life with the patterns that reinvest in my worth, I am able to launch myself further into the scope of what lies ahead.
Just like children, the discoveries of our past can shape our future. You are never too old, too unskilled, too reliant on another (financially or otherwise) to neglect defending your emotional needs. The courage to make the leap is not only a step away from fear and shame, but also a step toward the scope of you. You are worth so much more than pain.