I’ve done a lot of soul searching the past several months. Most of you who read my blog are aware that I’ve confronted a huge personal issue-emotional abuse as the family scapegoat-and it wrenched my heart in ways a heart shouldn’t have to go.
Before I continue, let me say that I love the non-threatening version of my family. But my clogged heart prevented me from knowing my own needs and worth, which dulled in tense moments and muted at conflict. Scaly deposits collected in the passageways of integrity and confidence, and left me defenseless against vocal barbs and emotional jabs. I imagine they felt my silence was permission. It wasn’t.
Anyone who has experienced abuse knows the heart eventually reforms with a new outlook and a fresh chance at life once given the opportunity to mend. After wringing out the toxins, a handsome new set of priorities has walked into town. Surprisingly, they look a lot like me, but with fierce confidence and unshakable tenacity.
I’ve learned about people and God. God doesn’t want anyone to suffer. He never asked me to set aside my integrity for the sake of the family. He gave me strength to persevere. Human pain is a broken human invention, passed through the generations of dysfunction and low-nurture. Mental illness is its misnomer, misconstrued and shunned by many, it stems from the desire to be loved and would be better named Heart Illness.
I love myself now more than ever. I love my brain and I don’t want it to hurt. I love my heart and I don’t want it to stutter. My treatment has been strictly holistic, no medications or drugs have been taken to reduce the pain and I am extremely proud of this. I have moved through the emotions of anger, fear, anxiety, resilience, acceptance, and now I move forward to hope, especially for my family. God gave me a voice and the strength to share my story. The book is in the works-and will be my most prized possession.
Throwing the coin in the wishing well, I hope to inspire the good and glorious in everyone. We have the potential.
Thank you for reading my blog.