What’s My Story?

Barbie Beaton's Blog

The Big ?

Those of us who have been blessed to clean a baby’s poopy bottom day after day eventually arrive at a huge question mark. It looms in our midst while we go about our daily routines as we work our way around it, sometimes pretending it isn’t there at all. Despite our efforts to continue doing what we do, the huge ? gets in our face until we can’t avoid it any more.

The baby bottoms grow a little. They walk around on unsteady feet. They climb and tear their way through the days until they are too tired to think. After they’ve slept for many months as a destroying machine, they start speaking recognizable words which they eventually use to construct full sentences. These sentences usually start with “I”, as in “I want xyz” (use your imagination here).

While the child is actively pronouncing their wants and needs, the parent is involved in a slur of mental activity: Does she need this or want this? Why does she want this now? How will she act if she doesn’t get it? Is it possible to give it to her? And on and on.

But the looming ? that trumps the others is this: “Am I doing the right thing?”

The uncertainty of parenthood relies on the fact that as the child’s needs increase, a parallel sense of doubt backs the decision of the parent. “Was it right to let her watch that TV show?” “Should I have let her go to his house with her friends?” “Is it OK if I don’t pressure her to study for the test?”

Parenting doesn’t come with a manual so we are left to our own parents’ parenting and recent knowledge to determine the best solution to do what we instinctually have no idea how to do. I often question my own judgement which is normal and expected, but I hate when I worry about the mundane details which will never affect my child’s recollection of my parenting ability: “I let her stay up late on Wednesday. I’m a crappy Mom because she has school the next day and she’ll be tired, etc., etc.”

I’m learning to forgive myself for allowing these thoughts because: 1. I am not a crappy Mom. 2. The most important result of parenting isn’t what I allow or disallow, it’s who the child feels she is: Does she feel important and unique? Does she trust Mom and Dad to provide an emotionally, physically, and spiritually nurtured environment? Does she know her limitations and articulate a call for help when she is confronted by them? And does she receive that help?

As children’s needs grow more daunting, the well of uncertainty deepens for parents. To answer the always looming ? parents must assess their own answers to these questions: Do I feel important? (Are MY needs being met?) Do I feel unique? (Am I involved with an activity I enjoy?) Am I emotionally, physically, and spiritually nurtured? (Do I spend enough quality time with my spouse or loved one? Do I exercise regularly? Do I renew and deepen my spirit on a regular basis?) Do I ask for help when I need it? (Babysitters, parenting classes, and Google articles are ALL amazing support go-tos when a parent is overwhelmed with doubt.

I’ve found that when I have put a checkmark next to all these questions my children respond to me altruistically. Children are amazingly selfless creatures despite the constant stream of “I want xyz’s” that come from their mouths. When parents exhibit a life that is self-focused enough to be healthy, children mimic this behavior.

The opposite can be found when parents use the dangerous “martyr” method. Parents who pronounce dissatisfaction or a sense of being overwhelmed and under-nurtured create an atmosphere of pity and concern. Children blame themselves for the dissatisfaction of their parents. This environment teaches children that they are responsible for “Mommy’s sadness” or “Daddy’s drinking”. When a child feels their needs are an inconvenience they take great guilt in what is technically their “God given right”.

I speak out of experience, and while I am by no means an expert on parenting, I know enough to know what is acceptable as parents. Next time you are confronted with the big ?, I hope you’ll ask yourself if you are doing what’s right for you. The chances are that is what’s right for your children too.

Barbie Beaton's Blog

Puzzle Pieces

Oh joyous season!

For those of you who have been reading my blog posts lately, you’re well aware of the calamitous affects of emotional abuse, particularly scapegoating, that have been my main source of writing inspiration of late. My intent is not to write for pity or sympathy, but to gain awareness and healing from a very traumatic family history. I cannot emphasize enough the amount of gratitude I have for all of you and for the support I’ve received. I am eternally grateful.

I write today on a positive note-bear with me, things might get weird-to update you on the bright stars that have been shining as I walk my path to recovery. Firstly, it’s important to know I’ve committed to an entirely holistic approach to heal the broken parts of my being. Body, mind, and spirit have all been ruptured-and they all must emerge in unity-to fully repair the broken life that lives inside me. This is a philosophy I live by, and if you are a skeptic or a critic please stop reading now.

My body is my vessel to carry me through life. This has always been my mantra, and it goes without saying that a healthy body is the first step to a well-lived life. I exercise regularly in a way that is fun and motivating for me. Each one of us will find an activity (or several) that works for us, and I enjoy working out twice a week in circuit classes, enhanced by hikes in the forest with my dog, and sometimes my husband and children, as long as they don’t complain. I am motivated at this point in time to reignite my love for figure skating by dumping my therapist. Sometimes, you just have to go with what “feels” better, and this feels much better for me, especially on Mondays.

I have a healthy body but I have to ask: so what? The pain is internal-my insides feel like a 1,000 piece jigsaw puzzle-fragmented and lobed with only the outside border put together. How do I reconnect the pieces of a shattered reality? How do I relive the painful events of my life that run in a constant stream and fit them into a world dedicated to love? How do I overcome this trauma? Brain puzzle

It’s not easy, but it’s not impossible. First is forgiveness. Forgiveness has allowed me to move past the accusing finger and focus on those puzzle pieces. Ignoring these parts is what allowed me to deny the reality in the first place. This is a difficult concept to explain, but wounded souls such as my own often live a life pouring focus onto others or onto “important” tasks. These tasks ultimately end up in failure. Luckily for me, my focus was first and foremost my children, who are not failures but girls with courage and strength. I am so proud of myself and my husband for doing an outstanding job at one of life’s most difficult and rewarding roles as parents.

But I’ve failed at tasks along the way: attempts to “rescue” a broken nonprofit; attempts to fight a stubborn school board; attempts to force a career that clearly wasn’t possible. Why did I do this? 1. To prove how strong I was. 2. For approval of my good character (especially from my parents who never really cared in the first place).

Hmm. How did this work out for me?

It didn’t. None of these attempts garnered appreciation or made anyone marvel at my conviction. None of my endeavors succeeded with the vision I had in mind while undergoing the battles. I was ultimately engaged in a war against myself.

But I didn’t see this until I reached a crisis and turned my focus inward as opposed to outward. With prayer, meditation, extensive night-time processing, and with vocalizing every logical and illogical human vulnerability, I have reached a place of great peace and understanding. My husband is a saint for listening to my analyses, my trivialities, and my paranoias, and still loving me for who I am. Our marriage is better than ever, and I couldn’t be more ecstatic about our sacred bond.

Our children are happy and loved, nurtured in a way that has made a visible (and audible) difference in our house. There is less fighting, less stomping, and less holding in of emotions. Our daughters are beginning to open up about their thoughts and emotions to a more receptive mother. This new mother is there to listen, validate, affirm, and if needed, to alleviate the problems in their lives. It’s a win-win for everyone. Listening to their worlds removes focus from the puzzle pieces, but unites them in the process. My children make me more complete and I love them with all my heart.

A huge support network of friends have made themselves available to me-I am eternally grateful for the love I receive from them-especially Melissa Hart (happy birthday), Anna Doran, and Father Jeff Hubbard. Thank you, thank you to these stars on my path.

Now for the weird stuff I warned about earlier. The holistic approach through body, mind, spirit wouldn’t be complete without healing through “alternative” methods. I see a massage therapist regularly, who is also a star on my path for she knows my entire story. Through her touch and empathy, she makes herself open to receiving the toxins released from my body. She proved the validity of her healing potential when she performed reiki on me the second week of my “Enlightenment”. Yellow bursts of light became visible as I felt the heavy anger lift out of me. The anger never returned.

Enraptured by the resulting lightness, I began to meditate to chakra colors. I have never meditated outside of yoga class, and I wasn’t aware of its healing potential until this crisis. Because it is a spirit driven force, God is present in every realm that turns awareness to myself and to the spirit world that is ever-present, but rarely recognized through occidental practices, especially in formalized health care. An event of chakra opening in the day led me to an experience of night-time awareness: I awoke to use the bathroom and in the darkness my entire being was surrounded by hundreds of little stars. It was so breathtakingly beautiful and peaceful I can’t even describe it. And yes, maybe TMI, but they were there even while I was on the toilet. I recognized them as graces that needed recognition from myself. This event has made me much more aware of the spirit world, and I find comfort in it. Now that I am aware of it, I don’t know how I was able to live without it. Perhaps, I am now living.

My family’s pain is a grief I must endure from a distance. I can’t be the scapegoat any longer-my integrity is too important. I can’t discuss their healing until my healing is complete-an impossible task where grief is the ultimate battle. I love them still. I love them always, but I’ve found love from the world that just feels better.

I am joyful this Christmas season for the presence of God that proves my worth, my validity as a human. I have found great love in humanity by finding a great internal love for myself, via prayer and the colors of a rainbow. I am truly, truly blessed. I write this to dispense hope for anyone targeted by an important person in their life. True healing begins with forgiveness and self-awareness; integrity is too important to get lost amidst the puzzle pieces. Build your life with it and life will nurture you with beautiful stars.

I wish all of you a very colorful, peaceful Christmas.

Love, Barbie

Peace dove puzzle