Month: February 2019

The snow is still falling here in Montana. When I look outside, a yellow patio table beams like sunlight against the white-washed everything, a beacon of hope for spring, although it seems like it may take forever before we are rewarded with a hint of green.

My brain feels snowy these days, overwhelmed by the singular vision of commitment that a book-length project can bring. On Monday, I submitted a short memoir piece to Creative Nonfiction magazine for a contest with the hope that working on a new story would have inspired me with vigor. I do not expect to win. It was a goal I set in January, and I am learning how hard I am to myself when I let myself down.

Writing nonfiction brings me to desolate places. I wonder if I will ever finish my memoir, if I’m creating a cohesive narrative, if my story will resonate with the right readers, or if it will have any readers at all. Doubt is a nightly snowfall to clear away in the daylight, because underneath doubt is a narrative that brings hope to the world. Every person has a story worth telling, a life worth sharing, and withholding the hardest stories cheats the world from the truth.

At the Oscars on Sunday night, Samuel L. Jackson said, “The easiest thing to do in the world is to not write.”

This off-hand comment was the wisdom I needed to hear. Doubt was given to me by voices who didn’t agree with my message, who thought my pain should be stifled, that my voice should be silenced, that my worth shifted on a scale of obedience. Doubt was given to me by myself when I diminished my self-worth enough to believe them.

Silence is the snowfall that allows the perpetuity of abuses in relationships and society. Writing is only one of the numerous means to declare power where voice was stolen and dignity denied. I write to dispel the shame of those who seek only their humanity in a world that forbids it. Emotions are not weakness—they are fire. Sitting at my computer, when I gaze outside, I can’t help but think what a beautiful time it is to be alive.

Wednesdays are complicated. Like a riddle, the spelling of the word itself doesn’t represent its sound. Positioned in the middle of the work week, Wednesdays bring us to a point of transformation from beginning to end, looking both at a time past and to the hopeful promise of freedom ahead.

I’m a woman in the middle of my life. I, too, am complicated. Born the second of three daughters, I’m a middle child who has transformed from the insecurity of my past and who now faces a future free from life’s fallacies. I identify with Wednesdays, with the middle, because like a game of tug-of-war this is where we find tension. With truth, we can change course in our life, and the middle is both uphill and downhill, effort before glide.

Life is much easier without fallacies. For forty-two years, I created an illusion of the family I wanted, overlooking the evidences of something amiss. Society tells us that good girls are nice girls, but I was cruel to myself for believing that I had no voice to use to defend myself, that I must say yes to every demand, that I must always, always put others first.

It didn’t work. Trauma was my blessing. It illuminated the trap of womanhood passed through generations of family trauma and a society who seeks to silence women. Until I faced my fears, it was disguised as my inherent weakness, as my fault, as the problem of the middle child.

Beauty comes from life’s disasters. I believe in the virtue of every person who aches inside for truth. It will come, I want to say, as soon as you allow it.

We all become trapped at one point or another: in fallacies, in ideals. Permission brings freedom. Allowing truth in my life catapulted me from a place of fear to healing, and my daughters now have a mother who models an authentic life. The truth of pain is excruciating and real, but emotions are our roadmap when we allow them space in reality instead of a made-up world. Strength lies in the truth-telling. When you trust your own version of the world over anyone else’s you can discern the entrapments that fail to serve you, and you will march onward because at this point on your climb to freedom, you have made it half-way.

Hi Friends,

I’ve implemented a new feature on my blog, a weekly post titled Wednesday Wisdom. It is a brief, random writing of my thoughts about empowerment. I am hoping to engage many people, especially women, in the conversation we need in society about allowing emotions to be taken seriously. Our voice is the impetus for change in our lives. This is a broad topic, one that I believe in and am passionate about. It starts with admitting any denial you might be afraid to admit, but freedom releases us from fear and brings us healing. Giving ourselves permission is easiest with company. I believe in you!

The first post will be sent to your inbox tomorrow. Thank you for letting me share with you.

Barbie